I’ve been in a funk recently. I am going between bouts of frustration and mild depression where all I want to do is crawl into bed and go to sleep. Nothing in my life seems to be working or going my way right now.
In my work life, there has been a number of changes, none of which including my new shift makes me happy at all.
In ministry, I don’t seem to fit anywhere and am not bearing any fruit.
I was supposed to teach at out Lake Como simple church yesterday- No one showed up. I felt it was a waste of prep time and effort, not to mention a thirty mile one way drive for nothng.
I drove to Lancaster for an outreach this weekend, but got delayed and lost and more delay. I arrived an hour late unfortunately and everyone had already headed out to their posts. I didn’t know where to do, so I headed back home. That was another bunch of time about three hours and gas wasted.
I’ve been working on some projects which I hope will lead to some business opportunities. Nothing I am doing there is working either.
I’m in one of those places in my life that I just don’t like very much right now. But the thing that really has me bothered is I don’t seem to know what I was created to do. Everyone else seems to have and be secure in their “callings. and their purposes. When I’ve taken it to the Lord (Read that as Complained to the Lord- whined to the Lord-etc), the only response I would get back was a simple affirmation, “I love you, son.”
I had dinner with friends of mine last night and we had some good discussions. Larry laughed at my predicament which wasn’t all that re-assuring. After dinner on my drive home, I felt like the Lord was speaking to me (no not an audible voice, but yet audible to my mind.)
He said, “Son, you have one purpose and one purpose only. You are my son and I am your Father. Your purpose is that you are my son.” I of course objected. “Well, I know that. But I’m talking about wha I’m supposed to do.”
I felt like the Lord said that our purpose is in our being not in our doing. Our purpose is to be “in Christ.” Our purpose is to be children of the Most High to be in a relationship with him. That is our highest purposes. We will “do” things but it is always out of our relationship with him not out of our desire to be doing something. I am not a teacher. I am a child of God who God may ask to teach. I am not an entrepenuer. I am a child of God that God may ask to start a business. My identity and purpose however is wrapped up in my identity in and relationship with God not in what I do.
I remembered the scripture saying :
15 Then they also brought infants to Him that He might touch them; but when the disciples saw it, they rebuked them. 16 But Jesus called them to Him and said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. 17 Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” Luke 18:15-17
The Lord reminded me that children are not wrapped up in their purposes or their plans. They are children. They enjoy the “now.” They are far more interested in being with the ones they love than about what they will be doing or what their career (or calling), or purpose is. They just enjoy being and enjoy the moment. Little boys would much rather spend time with dad, than going out to do something to feel “productive” or “useful.”
I believe that this is a place the Lord is calling me to spend time re-discovering. I’ve somehow lost my first love and now is the time to re-kindle it. My prayer is “Capture my heart, Lord. Capture my heart.”
So, I am laying the stuff I am doing at the alter and asking the Lord what he wants me to continue doing and what he wants me to lay down. I believe I am entering a time of just being Father’s little boy again.